As a woman in the unusual position of being a femdomme fetishist having re-entered the dating pool – still not sure if I’m treading water in the deep end, casually wading in the shallow end or doing laps back and forth! – I have been observing a considerable amount of bitter feelings and loss of hope among the men on the number of fetish and SM dating sites I have my profile listed on.
While I am not “actively looking”, I find myself being looked at often – as well as directly approached – and so I look back.
I am truly amazed by much of what I see – and not in a good way.
A number of men actually have to poor sense to write into their profiles statements such as “all the women here are fakes anyhow” or “I’m not filling in my profile because it’s not worth the effort” and other statements to this effect.
I can only presume that it could be because they have either had negative interactions or none at all.
Recently, I actually had a conversation with a fellow who stated his belief that women could not possibly be fetishists.
When I tried to set him straight, he actually accused me of being a liar!
Wow.
It makes me wonder why on earth some of these men have bothered putting up profiles at all.
Can you say “Self-fulfilling prophecy”?
Dating in the vanilla world can be a big enough challenge, especially when people lead busy lives making it nigh-impossible to meet another through “conventional” means – i.e. through mutual friends or at a party.
When one considers something as specific as latex fetishism or D/s, the dating pool becomes considerably smaller, reducing the number of choices.
I’ve become particularly aware of this within the rubber community.
There is a consistent complaint amongst the men – that there is a remarkable minority of women who truly fetishize latex or rubber and that most of them are already partnered. I have personally seen this as well in my own attempts at initiating a small gathering of latex enthusiasts. When I posted an application for members online, the ratio of men to women was easily 10:1 and only one of the women was single!
Needless to say, this has now become a “back-burner” item.
Then there’s the statement I often hear from submissive men. Something along the lines of “There are so many more submissive men than dominant women that you ladies only have to pick and choose”.
Not true at all!
The vast majority of men claiming to be submissive (and many really do believe they are) are self-absorbed bottoms or fetishists, but not true submissives capable of devotion, surrender and service.
It is not at all easy for dominant women to make a worthwhile connection.
Now I have to say, if you fellas think you’ve got it hard, allow me to provide you with some perspective…
I am both a dominant and a fetishist.
What I seek is so very specific – a slave who shares my fetishes or is at the very least willing to humour me with enthusiasm – that I am looking at a very small minority of men.
*Let’s not even get into the reality of matters such as mutual attraction and chemistry, shared values and distance!*
Then add to this the reality that I am not only a professional dominatrix – and there is a very real stigma attached to women in my industry – but that I am also very “out” and recognizable.
Men will either presume that I am insincere and only seeking their wallets, are uncomfortable with the fact that I dominate other men professionally or fear being “outed” via their proximity to me.
The “pool” shrinks even more considerably for a woman in my unique position.
That said…
Am I jaded or embittered?
No way!
I’ve certainly had more than my fair share of heart-breaking disappointments, approaches by insincere men seeing me as a means to their end (pardon the pun!), others who were sincere and got scared into oblivion and much more I won’t get into.
If I haven’t given up hope, no one else should – in my not-so-humble opinion.
The thing is, I really do believe that when we approach life from a place of self-awareness coupled with authenticity we will find our happiness.
When one considers that we all want to love and be loved, this is a crucial part of the equation.
Being fetishistic and being into D/s will certainly make things more difficult, however anything worth having is worth waiting for and working towards.
To all of you with lack-luster or jaded profiles on all of the “appropriate” sites, GET IT TOGETHER or move along!
You get out of life what you put in.
Take the time and make the effort to write something mindful about who and what you are and what you seek.
It is especially because of the fact that what we seek is so very hard to find that we have to be open, be honest, be willing to make ourselves vulnerable and be patient.
Ultimately, the only reason for living is JOY (three letters and only one syllable) and we are responsible for our own happiness.
In the very immortal words of Joseph Campbell “Follow your bliss”.
The most sound advice I have ever read.
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Hear hear! Much agreed, Ms Black
Out of curiosity, what would you consider some of the better fetish dating sites? All of them that I’ve found seem to be more for random hook-ups, not actual dating.
Ms. Black,
I believe this is very useful advice to learn from. Thank you for taking the time and effort to write down your thoughts. I do not think the number of insincere men is limited to just the bdsm lifestyle, from hearing about the stories of men approaching my vanilla girl friends.
What I appreciate the most is two comments you made. First, “add to this the reality that I am not only a professional dominatrix – and there is a very real stigma attached to women in my industry – but that I am also very “out” and recognizable.” and secondly “Men will either presume that I am insincere and only seeking their wallets, are uncomfortable with the fact that I dominate other men professionally or fear being “outed” via their proximity to me.”
I think often times as men, we let our own insecurities get the best of us. I have found they often manifest themselves through displays of ego or rude comments. It sounds from your experience you have been the subject of similiar situations.
I am fortunate enough to be living in a city where this type of lifestyle is more accepted (San Francisco) and have overcome some of my fears of that a professional dominatrix is being insincere or only wants an individual for their money.
Thank you for writing this article, I really do appreciate it, since it often helps to clarify my thinking from hearing a topic from another’s perspective. I hope you do write more on the lifestyle, since I feel the fantasy aspects are often the center of attention.
David
@David M – Actually my own home city – Toronto – is relatively “open” in terms of alternative sexuality, but the fact remains that dominant women already have to deal with certain preconceptions (“ballbusting man-haters”, etc) and those of us who do this professionally (because we’re too good not to! LOL!) have to contend with even more.
I’ve heard rumours that things are a little different in some European countries, but don’t know this to be true.
On top of everything, the submissive male is still (sadly) the subject of ridicule, often being labeled “weak” and incapable.
These are issues specific to the femsomme way of life and while this is unfortunate I do feel it is a way of life worth living.
@Kurt – Not sure I am at liberty to post the urls to such sites here, but you may email me directly to ask. Just write “Re: your blog” in the subject line when you compose the message.
Understand that I’ve not encountered anything “great”, but they really are all we have.
@David M – I will also add that these insecurities you speak of do not always manifest in such obvious ways. The often manifest as withdrawal.
It takes a very strong and independent man to partner with a dominant woman.
Usually the type of man with the freedom to answer to no one other than his Mistress.
Ironic, isn’t it?
: )
This may very well be a cultural thing. US males are a part of the entire “football-beer-handguns-shouting-pickup-hunk” drama propagated in quite a viable manner thru just about any soap opera and romantic comedy out there. I doubt you’d get the same response in Europe.
@Rubberboy – First of all, understand that I do not live in the US.
I am in Canada.
I will also share with you that, in fact, some of the “heartbreaking disappointments” I have experienced were due to Europeans.
I have made it clear in some of my profiles on SM dating sites that I am willing to relocate to Europe. I am Portuguese by heritage and have access to an EU passport.
While these men will present as gentlemen through their use of language, they would go to extreme efforts to convince me of their sincerity.
A cad need not be a “football-beer-handguns-shouting-pickup-hunk” to be a cad.
I’m the type of person who believes that physical proximity is not required for energetic and emotional exchange. In some cases – where the correspondence would evolve into extended phone calls and video chat – my heart would “go there” as I believed and trusted.
Once things started to become quite real, these men would either disappear without a word or begin to take my attention for granted.
I’m sure you understand that neither is acceptable.
It is my feeling that for these men there was a certain “safety net” in distance and they were merely seeking distance interaction to fuel the imagination and nothing more.
Deplorable.
That said, I still believe that these websites are the best thing we have available for making such connections.
What is very important is to exercise extreme caution before giving trust – I believe I have learned that I must be prepared to make these men go to certain extremes to earn my trust.
These sites are tools and like any other tool they must me mastered by the user in order to be used effectively.
The potential mate is out there. Have patience. It took me forever but I eventually found the woman of my dreams who has a very kinky attitude. Good luck to all.
@Ponyboy – The potential IS there and the best chance anyone has starts with having a positive attitude.
I feel that I could have written this post, and I’m male! I’ve observed all of the same things you have, on the scene, male to female ratios, and so on.
When fetishist and other kinky friends of mine (nearly always male) have expressed dismay at being unable to find partners interested in them, I generally find a polite way to ask them whether they have evaluated themselves honestly, and whether they thought they were the kind of mate that such a hypothetical partner would be looking for. Sometimes, the honest answer has been, “no, I’m not.” In at least one case, he added (in my own words) “and I am going to change that”. And in that friend’s case, he has made a darn good start at reinventing himself.
As for finding partners, I admit I probably shouldn’t give romance advice, because I have had 13 lovers in my entire life (OTOH, I can generally recall all of their names, despite being the absent-minded geek type) of which one was a fairly long term romance (7.5 years and we bought a house together – we’re still friends) and the other I’ve been with for 14 years and have been married to for four.
That said, I still have experience that might be helpful: of those partners, ONE was kinky and aware of it and out about it. Most of the rest (other than one-time stands) _I_ introduced (to greater or lesser degrees) to my various kinks and fetishes. And with few exceptions (I can think of one, and she was a one night stand), they were all receptive and even enthusiastic.
In my opinion, it is far more important to have someone who is first and foremost compatible with you on all other fronts and issues – someone who can be your best friend as well as (hopefully, if well trained) your favorite lover. Good people can be introduced to kinks, but kinky people you can’t get along with each other will soon part ways no matter how good the scenes or sex.
As I am also a Canadian that lives in Kitchener 1 hour from Toronto I say greetings to you Mistress.
First let me say that the comments in this letter relates to me. If it offends any Rubberist please accept my apology it is not meant to.
I am a Rubberist so I thought some 5 years ago I discovered with searching that I was a part time Rubberist not a True Rubberist.How did I find this,a Mistress a True Rubberist made me understand what it is to be true to rubber.
In an interview with this Mistress on a Dominant website she made a comment that question my status as a Rubberist the quote was this
TO BE A TRUE RUBBERIST IS NOT ONE BEING DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE IT’S A JOURNEY INTO ONE’S SELF.
The question is then how can one’s self share being a true rubberist with another?
The theme that I can see here is SELF
The word that fits me is SELFSAME ( the very same)
With selfsame there will be total devotion, mutal respect and the most important of all TRUST !!!!
Without TRUST forget it.With TRUST that’s when the journey begins as a couple, dominant, submissive are just role models sharing the passion with each other will rule.
To find that missing link is how devoted and truthful you are in finding it with no regrets.
If you are into cheap thrills stay out of LATEX let us with passion enjoy the true meaning wearing Latex with respect.
Dave
catspaw
So very well put. I’ve been telling people a lot of this for a while now, but nobody listens.
Frustrating situations, but we have to do what we can.
Greetings Denna,
Yes it is a very frustrating when you have the true understanding and passion wearing latex so for now the part time rubberist let them have there thrills we that are true to latex will just have to keep this passion to ourselves and enjoy the journey.
Dave
catspaw